For the first few years after my husband died, I dreaded Halloween. I had nothing against witches and pumpkins, but I hated seeing the fake gravestones and hanging skeletons sprouting up in people’s yards in early October, sometimes even September. It felt disrespectful to use death, even though it wasn’t real, as a theme for entertainment, decor or a costume while I was experiencing grief from real death. Over time, as my grief felt less raw, Halloween bothered me less and less until it stopped bothering me altogether, but I can still remember how much I hated it initially.

My husband died a little over a week before Halloween when our daughter was seven. After just two days at home, to my shock, she wanted to go back to school. Her school set up a haunted house in the gym every Halloween, and she didn’t want to miss it. So after talking to the school counselor and her teacher, I let her go back to school, and she had a great time with her classmates in the haunted house. I was both surprised and grateful at how easily she seemed to be distracted.

When kids are young, Halloween seems to last for weeks rather than just one night. There are so many Halloween activities: the local trunk or treat, the school parade, varied costume parties, all in addition to the actual night of trick or treating. When you’re grieving, the last thing you want to do is to be out in public putting on a brave face and socializing, but some of the events are worse than others. I knew the town’s trunk or treat would be nonstop casual chitchat with acquaintances and really didn’t want to go. When a friend offered to take my daughter with her son, I gratefully accepted.

On Halloween my daughter’s school had a costume parade during the day. It’s the type of event that all the parents happily attend to watch their kids, some even getting there early to secure a good spot. I really wanted to watch my daughter in the parade, but I also really didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t feel like I could skip this event too, even though I desperately wanted too. As expected, I felt like everyone was staring at me and/or avoiding me like the plague because they didn’t know what to say. Of course, a few people were kind and expressed their condolences, but the dad of one of my daughter’s classmates asked me how my husband died. I’m sure he didn’t mean it the way it came off – as morbid curiosity – but that’s how I took it at the time, confirming my feeling that I shouldn’t be out in public.

Halloween evening, we were invited to a friend’s house for a small party. She lived on a road that was good for trick or treating, and the plan was to have a light dinner outside and then go trick or treating around the neighborhood. I felt I should be able to handle a small gathering with friends. It ended up being ok, but I was happy to leave as soon as possible.

My daughter didn’t seem bothered at all by Halloween. In fact, she has always loved Halloween, and it was an opportunity to wear costumes, hang out with friends and get free candy…. Basically it was an escape from the reality of her dad’s death. It only strikes me now how opposite our attitudes were. If you’re like I was at the time, dreading every event of the holiday, here are my suggestions to survive Halloween:

• It’s ok to skip activities if you’re not up for them. If your kid really wants to go, let a friend or family member take them.
• If you’re not up for talking to people while taking your kid trick or treating, consider wearing a full face mask or throw a sheet over your head. I’m not kidding.
• Do non-creepy Halloween activities, like carving pumpkins.
• Watch non-creepy Halloween movies, like It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
• Remember that it won’t be long before all the Halloween decorations are replaced by Thanksgiving or Christmas decorations (other holidays I dreaded in the early post-death years).