Checklist for the First 30 Days

During the first 30 days after your partner dies, you’ll be in shock, and your focus should be on communicating the news and making funeral arrangements. Try not to take on anything more than that.

Download the pdf checklist of what to do after your spouse dies.

Tell Your Child(ren)
I have such a vivid memory of the moment I told my daughter her dad had died – the look on her face and how she burst into tears. I googled ahead of time what words to use, something about “his heart stopped working.” Psychology Today has a good article on how to talk to kids about death.

Tell Close Friends & Family
Tell those who are close to you and ask them to help spread the word via phone or social media, or however you feel comfortable. I texted and called my family and close friends, but couldn’t bring myself to post anything online. I let them spread the word about the funeral.

Inform Your Child’s School
Your child’s school may have a psychologist that your child can meet with upon their return to school. In a weird coincidence, it turned out my daughter’s teacher lost her dad at the same age as my daughter, which gave her a level of understanding and empathy no one else could’ve had.

Inform Your Spouse’s Employer
You may need to arrange to pick up your spouse’s personal effects from the office or workspace. Also, there may be benefits you are entitled to from the employer, which you can look into later.

Inform Your Employer
Many companies give their employees up to several weeks of bereavement leave for immediate family members. Check with your human resources department for their specific policy.

Accept Offers of Help
You will receive offers of help from family and friends, some general and some specific, like bringing you a meal or giving your child a ride somewhere. I turned some offers down because I thought I was capable of making a meal, but later on when I didn’t want to leave the house to get groceries or think about what to cook, I wished I had accepted that offer. Also, I realized that it makes people feel better to help so accepting their offers can, in a way, help them too.

Follow End of Life Wishes
Your partner may have communicated end of life wishes for you to carry out:

• Organ or body donation instructions – A medical professional at the hospital or hospice center should be able to help you with this.
• Burial vs. cremation instructions – For a cremation, you may need to work with a crematorium, but some funeral homes perform this too.

Make Funeral Arrangements
If you choose a funeral home, the funeral director will guide you through the different funeral arrangements available, but enlist your family and friends to help with the planning and execution, as well as spreading the word. For example, my brother-in-law and sister created a slide show and poster boards for my husband’s funeral including photos they had and some that I provided. I found looking through photos to be so emotionally taxing that I was grateful to them for taking care of the rest.

There are many decisions to make in terms of whether to have a wake, private or public burial, service, post funeral reception, etc. The decisions of what to have and when to have them are up to what you think is best and what your partner would’ve wanted, as well as your religious or cultural traditions. Many people these days now have a celebration of life service a year later. The Covid pandemic likely played a role in delaying some funeral ceremonies but, also, it is extremely difficult to plan a large event for an unspecified number of people when you are in the depths of grief. Some people take a year to plan their wedding, but planning a funeral, which might be just as large an event, has to be done in just a matter of days.

Typically the funeral home will notify the Social Security Administration of your partner’s death.

Request a Fingerprint or Ashes for Memorialization (if Desired)
If you want to turn your spouse’s fingerprint or ashes into jewelry or another keepsake, the funeral home can provide you with that. Just remember to make the request before the funeral.

Write the Obituary
Many funeral homes can assist with writing the obituary if you need help. They will publish it on their website and, if you want to publish it in the local newspaper, they should know the rate and deadline.

Include in the obituary if your spouse had a favorite charity that friends and family can donate to or if, for example, you would appreciate donations to your children’s college fund.

Request Death Certificates
The funeral director will ask you how many certified copies of your spouse’s death certificate you want to order as there is a fee per copy, ranging from $10-30 per copy depending on your state. Order at least 5-10 certified copies. You will need to provide them to financial institutions, the Social Security Administration, etc. in order to cancel accounts and/or collect benefits. Five years after my husband died, I recently had to provide one to the US government to request a passport for my daughter, since the process requires both parents to sign a form. And I always carry one with me when we travel internationally, although I haven’t yet been asked to present it.

To limit how many to order, only send certified copies to the organizations that require them; many might be fine with a scanned copy. And ask organizations if they can send back the certified copy.

More Checklists:

1-3 Months After
3+ Months After