After my husband died, I felt well supported by my friends and family and members of the community, but I also had some unpleasant or awkward experiences. I truly believe most people have good intentions, but a recent death in my town reminded me of some of the “don’ts” I experienced:

1. Do not ask the surviving spouse for details on the cause of death… It’s a natural reaction to ask what happened, but it’s upsetting to the surviving spouse to have to relive it. If they don’t volunteer the information and it’s not included in the obituary, don’t ask. I remember being asked by the dad of my daughter’s classmate (whom I had previously never met), if my husband had experienced any symptoms before his heart attack. It felt like he was fishing to see if we had done something wrong, like ignored symptoms. I’ve since learned that people are curious about the cause of death because they are looking for ways to prevent their own or family member’s death but, in the moment, it felt awful to be questioned that way.
2. Do not skip the wake/funeral/memorial service/celebration of life or complain about having to go… No one ever wants to go to a funeral, least of all the surviving spouse. Make every effort to go as it means so much to them. If you can’t go, send a card or flowers. Cards are so much more impactful than a text or email since they require effort. Almost eight years later, I still remember who came to my husband’s wake, and I’ve kept all the cards.
3. Do not compare the loss of a spouse to when your pet or grandmother or coworker died… I know most people are just trying to empathize, but don’t say you know how they feel unless you’ve also lost your spouse. Losing a spouse is particularly awful and life-changing because, in addition to the sadness of losing a loved one, you’ve also lost whatever dreams or vision you had for your future, as well as your co-parent and partner in managing life. It also uniquely affects your day to day because you now have to do the job of the missing parent too.
4. Do not pretend nothing has happened if you run into the surviving spouse… Acknowledge the loss, no matter how uncomfortable you feel in doing so. I remember how awkward it was to pick up my daughter from after school activities when acquaintances would pretend to be unaware of what had happened. I’m sure they didn’t want to upset me in a public place, but it’s more upsetting to think people don’t care. A simple “I’m so sorry to hear about your husband” would be great. Or if you’re struggling to come up with the right words, even saying “I don’t know what to say” conveys that you care.
5. Do not distance yourself to “give them space”… It’s particularly awful when close friends go AWOL. Check in frequently, at least as frequently as you would under normal circumstances. It’s particularly thoughtful to check in on the “deathiversary” or late spouse’s birthday and say you’re thinking of them.
6. Do not look to the surviving spouse for consolation… They are already trying to take care of their children and themselves. If you are grieving too, you can seek support from someone farther away from the crisis. I like how the Circle of Grief describes the ideal support system: The person who died is at the center of five or more concentric circles. The smallest, closest circle contains immediate family members such as the spouse, children and parents. The next circle contains close friends. The one after that has more distant friends and family. Each subsequently larger circle contains people who are less close to the person who died. The idea is that people on an inner circle would receive support from people on an outer circle.
7. Do not say “call me if you need anything”… I know this is well meaning, but it puts the onus on the griever to contact you and ask for help at a time when making simple decisions like what to eat is very challenging. Offer specific help like “I can bring Bobby to and home from basketball practice” this week or drop off a meal at their doorstep.