One of the many things I struggled with soon after my husband died was if our seven-year-old daughter should attend his funeral. It didn’t even occur to me to bring her to his wake which was four days after he died. My sister had offered to have her husband take her away to hang out with her cousins for the night, and I immediately accepted. In retrospect, I don’t know if it was the right decision, but I don’t regret it. While I was grateful to see so many people come pay their respects, I found the whole experience exhausting and overwhelming, and I think she might have too.

I decided to have a private burial for just family and a few close friends more than a month later. The only thing I knew about my husband’s wishes was that he wanted to be cremated, but I didn’t know whether to keep, scatter or bury his ashes. We had never had that in depth of a conversation about our wishes since we were in our forties and had never contemplated that one of us could die soon. I ultimately decided to bury his ashes in a cemetery because I wanted a permanent place where my daughter could always visit him.

So while working out the logistics for the burial, I talked to my therapist about whether my daughter should be there. I had been weighing two conflicting thoughts: My father-in-law mentioned that the image of having seen a deceased relative in an open casket when he was a child has always stayed with him and recommended against bringing her. On the other hand, I had read that children who didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to a parent could feel a lack of closure and resent the surviving parent for it.

My therapist had a few suggestions. First, she thought my daughter was old enough that I should just ask her if she wanted to go to the burial. Then, if she did want to go, I should ask her how she wanted to say goodbye to her dad and incorporate her wishes into the event. Finally, I should prepare her for what was going to happen during the burial, as well as the size of the urn, as it might shock her that her six-foot-tall dad’s ashes could fit in something so small.

Ultimately, the day went smoothly. After some online research (by me) to come up with ideas, my daughter decided to release a balloon, which she picked out, at the grave site, and we buried with his urn a letter that she wrote him. Her cousins and best friend came to the burial, which helped lighten the mood of the occasion. We then went to lunch afterwards at the restaurant where she had loved to go with her dad. It ended up being a surprisingly nice occasion, and I felt good that she had been able to properly say goodbye to her dad.